This is the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle. Understanding this can be really helpful when identifying “am I being abused?”
Narcissists behave in certain ways because they are unlikely to consider their actions as problems. Until they can reflect on their own behaviors and feel their feelings (which is very unlikely for a narcissist) they will continue to stay within this cycle.
The digram describes it well but here’s a little breakdown:
At first you are put on a pedestal (this is called love bombing). You feel you met THE ONE. It is too good to be true. He does and says everything you ever wanted. He treats you like gold.
But then things change. Most people say this is the end of the “honeymoon phase,” but that’s not quite right. All couples fall out of this phase – it is natural – but in a healthy relationship, the partners find a way to disagree healthily. They grow deeper in intimacy and problem solving. In narcissistic abuse cycles, the narcissist puts their partner down, often using emotional, verbal or physical abuse. When confronted, the narcissist plays the role of the victim (known as narcissistic injury) and continues to devalue their partner: “you made me angry,” “you don’t get it.”
Your thoughts don’t matter, your feelings don’t matter, they gaslight you, they rewrite history. Most people can’t exist in this world forever – so once you push back or call them out on it, they push back harder. This is the start of the discard phase — when you no longer are of value to him because they can’t control you.
And that’s when it gets really painful for the victim. Often, the victim is constantly trying to get back to the first stage. That is often the only thing the victim could see because the narcissist sprinkles in love in between the abuse.
This can be really tough to navigate on your own. Please fill out a form for a Clarity Session if you need support – or a Validation call: https://jessicaknightcoaching.as.me/schedule.php
