Navigating Relationships with Individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder: What You Need to Know
We’re diving into a complex and often misunderstood topic—Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)—and how it can impact your life if you’re in a relationship with someone who has this disorder. I know this is a sensitive subject, and discussing it often brings a lot of strong reactions, especially on social media. But my goal here is to shed light on what the cycle looks like when you’re dealing with someone with BPD, so you can better understand your situation and, most importantly, realize that you are not crazy.
Understanding the Complexity of Borderline Personality Disorder
When I talk about Borderline Personality Disorder, or BPD, I often get pushback. Some accuse me of pathologizing or even hating on individuals with this disorder. It’s important to clarify that BPD, like Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), is a serious condition that can cause significant harm in relationships, even if the abuse isn’t always overt. These disorders, both part of the Cluster B group, often share overlapping characteristics, meaning someone can exhibit traits of multiple disorders simultaneously.
If you’ve found yourself feeling confused, hurt, or questioning your reality in a relationship, you might be dealing with someone who has undiagnosed or untreated BPD. Many people in these situations don’t even realize what they’re up against—they just know something is terribly wrong. That’s why it’s crucial to understand the patterns and behaviors common in relationships with someone who has BPD. Once you can see these patterns, it’s easier to break free and start healing.
The Emotional Turbulence of BPD
People with BPD often have unstable emotions that can lead to impulsive actions, self-image issues, chaotic relationships, and severe mood swings. They may struggle with controlling their impulses and anger, and in relationships, they can oscillate between intense adoration and harsh devaluation of their partners. This emotional volatility is often rooted in unresolved childhood trauma, which creates a constant need for validation—validation that you, as their partner, can never fully satisfy.
A key point I always stress is that while BPD has its roots in trauma, it’s the responsibility of the individual to address their own mental health issues, especially when these issues start to harm others. Excusing abusive behavior because of someone’s past trauma is dangerous. We all have challenges to overcome, but when those challenges lead to harming others, we have a duty to seek help and work on ourselves.
The Cycle of Abuse in BPD Relationships
One of the most insidious aspects of being in a relationship with someone with BPD is the cycle of abuse, which can closely mirror the patterns seen in relationships with narcissists. This cycle typically unfolds in the following stages:
- Destiny: At the start, the relationship feels like destiny. The connection is intense, and the person with BPD might mirror your interests, values, and behaviors to create the illusion of a perfect match. This phase is often marked by what feels like an intense love-bombing stage, where everything seems too good to be true. And often, it is.
- Dismissal: As the honeymoon phase fades, you’ll notice the person with BPD becoming more erratic and dismissive of your feelings. They may start to invalidate your experiences and twist reality, making you question your perceptions. This is where gaslighting can start to take root, leading you to doubt your own sanity.
- Denial: By this stage, small conflicts can escalate quickly. The person with BPD might snap over minor issues, and their reactions often seem disproportionate. You might find yourself in a constant state of confusion, trying to figure out what you did wrong. The blame is often shifted onto you, leaving you feeling guilty and responsible for their emotional state.
- Devaluation: In this phase, fighting becomes constant, and the person with BPD may start to devalue you, painting you as the villain in their narrative. This behavior is often referred to as “splitting,” where they see things in black and white terms—either you’re entirely good or entirely bad. When you’re on the receiving end of this devaluation, it can feel like they’ve put up a wall, and nothing you do is right.
- Division: This is when the person with BPD might break up with you or push you away, only to pull you back in when they fear losing you. This push-pull dynamic is exhausting and can make you feel like you’re on an emotional rollercoaster. You might start to detach emotionally as a survival mechanism, but the trauma bond often keeps you stuck.
- Detachment: At this point, you might recognize that the relationship is unhealthy and start seeking support—perhaps through therapy, coaching, or resources like this podcast. You might try to set boundaries or make plans to leave, but the fear of their reaction or what might happen to them without you can keep you stuck.
- Discard: The final discard can be one of the most painful experiences. It often happens suddenly, with little warning, and leaves you feeling blindsided. They might ghost you, move on to a new partner quickly, or leave you with all the emotional baggage of the relationship. And yet, even after the discard, they might try to pull you back in, promising change that never comes.
The Importance of Recognizing the Patterns
Recognizing these patterns is crucial for your healing. It’s not uncommon to feel lost, depressed, or even question your own sanity after being in a relationship with someone with BPD. The constant blame-shifting, gaslighting, and emotional turbulence can leave you with deep scars and a lingering sense of self-doubt.
But I want you to know that you are not alone, and you are not crazy. These experiences are real, and the effects they have on you are valid. Healing from a relationship with someone with BPD is a process, and it often involves rebuilding your sense of reality and self-worth.
If you find yourself resonating with what I’ve shared today, it’s essential to seek support. Whether through therapy, coaching, or connecting with others who have been through similar experiences, finding a way to break the cycle is the first step toward healing.
You can also listen to a podcast on this topic: https://www.buzzsprout.com/1916632/15330957
Remember, understanding these patterns is the key to breaking free. You deserve to feel safe, loved, and valued in your relationships, and that starts with recognizing when something isn’t right and taking steps to protect your well-being.
Thank you for joining me today. If you have questions or need further support, feel free to reach out to me at Jessica@jessicacoaching.com, follow me on Instagram at emotionalabusecoach, or visit my website at emotionalabusecoach.com. Remember, you’re not crazy, you’re not alone, and you deserve to live in a reality that is truly your own.
