Emotional abuse relies on a pattern of power, control and exploitation established by one person over another.
To identify if a person is establishing such a pattern, it is important to go beyond a simple checklist of abusive behaviors. Because we find that virtually any behavior can either be used by a person to survive abuse or be used by a person to establish power over another, we must look further than the traits.
When assessing who is establishing systematic power and control in a relationship, it is crucial to look at the context, intent and effect of a pattern of behaviors.
CONTEXT
What is/was happening in the relationship over time, as well as immediately before and after a specific behavior occurred? What meaning or history does a certain behavior have, given the context? What impact does the context have on the agency/self-determination of each person in the relationship?
INTENT
What are the real, imagined, perceived, expressed, or intuited reasons for the behavior? What is the goal of the behavior? Was the behavior used to establish control over someone else, or was it used to regain control over oneself?
EFFECT
Whose life is smaller as a result of the behavior? Who is being controlled, manipulated, coerced, exploited or hurt as a consequence of the behavior? For example,
When I lost it like that, she finally realized how much she’d been hurtng me, and allowed me to move back in.
versus
When I lost it like that, I felt so ashamed of how I’d acted that I gave up on the changes I’d been asking for.
The behavior itself is not the point—determining if the behavior is part of a pattern of systematic power and control over a partner is.
