There’s a reason why survivors say, “I knew it was bad, but I couldn’t leave” or, “It wasn’t always bad,” or even, “I didn’t know if it was abuse.”
This is what the cycle of abuse does. It confuses you, hooks you, and wears you down until you start to believe the chaos is your fault. It’s not.
The cycle of abuse isn’t just a pattern. It’s a psychological trap, and if you’ve ever wondered:
Why did I stay?
How did I get so lost in it?
Why does part of me still miss them?
…this is because the cycle is at work.
The cycle typically moves through four stages:
Tension Building (you start to walk on eggshells)
Incident (emotional, verbal, or physical abuse)
Reconciliation (apologies, gifts, love bombing, “I’ll get help”)
Calm (the honeymoon—until it starts again)
Each round breaks you down a little more. Each calm phase makes you hope again. And that hope is what keeps you hooked.
I just released a new private podcast to help you map your personal cycle of abuse with real examples from survivors (including myself) and guidance for how to break free. Naming it is the first step. Mapping it is the second.
